There is no time. There is never any time.
Friends are all busy with the end of the semester. Brother is busy having a life. Mom is busy with brother having a life and doesn't have time for me (except maybe to tell me she thinks she messed up raising me, but lets not get into that).
I should be busy. I have the rest of a paper and a take-home essay exam to do, still, before my semester is over, and after that I need to try and settle something for my summer-- in other words, I need a job. or volunteering. Something. Whatever I can get.
There's also no money. There are a lot of things, all of a sudden, that require money. College is going to take more than 4 years-- that means I have to save up money to afford the last year (or more) of classes. Not to mention moving out after I finish. I'm on my own, there. And then there's this looming prospect of some kind of transitioning. That remains to be sorted out.
In the short-term: Tree-Frog birthday(s) is Wednesday-- I still don't know what either of them wants, nor do I have time. Nor do I have money. But I will find some way to spoil them, because they are my absolute two favorite people in the universe. (I mean that wholeheartedly.)
Despite all this, I wouldn't say I'm in a bad space right now. Not exactly.
A little lonely and a lot stir-crazy, mostly. I want to make art. I want to go outside and do things. I want to talk. Also, I need a haircut.
I'm filling empty spaces by trying to host summer art things. How's that for a coping technique?
By the time I finish typing this, Grandpa and Lee should be back from church. I think maybe, now that my semester is almost over, I'll call them up and ask if they want to have lunch with me sometime this week. I would like that.
Names and genders. What a thing. Names are nothing new-- but somehow they come into play, again, because they factor into a lot of the issues that come up when it comes to gender. or lack thereof.
Next semester, I'm taking my introductory education courses. That means feild experience. That means the clothes thing and the name thing are going to come up, again. Those are not new issues, neither of them is. But now gender is going to factor in.
I want to teach. More than anything, I want to teach. But this just keeps getting more complicated by the year. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. All I know is that I need to. I absolutely need to. But I don't know how.
I don't want to be Miss [last-name]. That's not my name. That's not my title. That's not ME. but how do I give myself the kind of authority I need, especially considering how tiny and meek I am, as just Diane? Some teachers can get away with that, but can I? I don't honestly know. And if I try it and it doesn't work? Then what do I do? What can I use, instead? I'm not Miss.
People don't understand why I talk about all of these things so much. I don't, either, sometimes-- I just obsess, I guess. That's all. I obsess over a lot of things. This is the thing right now. But people are getting sick of me, maybe? People don't want to hear about it. That's understandable. But it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Who else is going to bring it up? How else am I going to figure it out, myself?
...I talked to Linda, today. She said maybe I should consider actuall going ahead and legally changing my name. I'm starting to think maybe I'd like that. Maybe then, at least, the name thing would be put to rest, because all my documents would list me as Diane. My dad would throw a tantrum, but... he throws plenty of those already. Maybe... maybe?
But that still leaves the gender thing. What kind of mess have I gotten myself into?
This is incoherent, but I'm tired of typing.
- Current Location:My Room
- Current Mood: confused
- Current Music:The Fray
First off, I want to switch out of Social Problems with stupid-science-dude and take Intro to Sociology with a better teacher, instead. There are two that look promising (one monday evening, the other wednesday evening)-- I asked Mom to ask her coworkers tonight if they knew eitehr of the professors. I'll probably take the monday one, though, as long as the professor sounds good (because mondays are a good day to be busy on... and because the GSA meets wednesday evenings). I'd rather have Intro to Soc. from a halfway decent teacher than Social Problems taught physics-style. >.>
THEN, while I'm at it... Guess what i found out? There's a class called "Traditions in World Music" (music for the listener, multicultural style) that fullfills the same credit requirement as Art Appreciation! That means I don't have to sit through a boring art history class (and injure my artist-ego while I'm at it). The only catch? I can't take that until NEXT fall. So instead, I rearranged my careful scheduling so that I take that next fall, and I take American History this semester. Works nicely, right? AND, the American History class I want to take fits nicely into my schedule, plus it has a pretty promising sounding teacher. (She's one of the heads of the Women's Studies department. I think she might be able to give a pretty cool perspective to history.)
Neither of those classes had better fill up before I switch to them, tomorrow. As soon as mom gets home in the morning, I'm checking with her on her teacher-findings and then signing myself into History and Sociology (and dropping art appreciation and social problems).
I feel very stressed out but in a very hopeful way, right now. (Let's just see if I can get to sleep without having a heart attack. This has been a very high stress week, so far.)
- Current Location:My Room
- Current Mood: stressed
- Current Music:Quiet
So... I'm feeling a great deal less... blob-ish. Having something to do makes aaalll the difference! (Although the art block isn't 100% gone, yet-- getting better, but still not completely gone.) Classes started for me, yesterday, and out of my 6 classes, I've been to 4. (I have two weekend classes that I obviously don't get to experience until... the weekend. fancy that.) Some seem better than otehrs, but none of them are terrible, and my psychology class seems downright AMAZING, so this is panning out to be a pretty alright semester.
First off, Psych. I'm taking Honors Intro to Psych, this semester-- It's a three-day-a-week class, and the professor helped write the textbook. That's gotta be a good sign right there. And what more? He not only was the first professor to get the syllabus up online, he also detailed everything about the class right off the bat, both online and in person the first day of the class. Seriously-- He told us project descriptions, reading assignments, due dates, everything. Right. Off. the Bat..In clear, organized, writing. Plus he posted the lecture note/reading highlights for every single chapter up on the website. Dude, this guy is BRILLIANT. He's a brilliant psychologist and a brilliant teacher. He's teaching intro to psych (which is normally a really bland class about the history of famous psychologists and their theories) from an application-based standpoint. He's teaching us how to USE psychology, not how to memorize stupid word-for-word theories. I am so excited about this class, OMIGOSH. Reminds me to take honors classes more often.
My Social Problems class, unfortunately, is not so exciting. Which is disappointing, because I was really expecting that to be my favorite class this semester, but as it turns out, the professor is the biggest dissapointment of the century. So much so, in fact, that about halfway through the class, I started to contemplate switching to a different section of the class... until he mentioned he's the only professor who teaches Social Problems. Ajkfkjsfkjjh! So why is this guy so epic fail, you might be wondering? WELL.
...he should be a physics professor. The guy is so scientific it's not even funny. It's like he's so busy looking at sociology as a science that he forgets he's studying freaking HUMAN BEINGS with lives and emotions.
The class is based on tests. 250 points are based on exams (half over lectures and half over reading material), and a whopping 10 points are based on a minimal, sad excuse for a pass-or-fail project for which we can either participate in a debate panel, or write a reaction paper over a movie. Compare this to my last sociology class, where the class was essentially project after project after project, based on hands-on experiences with diversity and social issues, as well as multiple books (Dead Man Walking and Do They Hear You When You Cry) about real, current social issues. That was a darned good class. I experienced diversity in that class, i understood social issues in a very personal way because of that class. This class? I bet I'll forget all these stupid definitions and statistics in no time flat. It's about as useful to me as a chemistry class.
Oh hey, and guess what else? Our textbook has 19 chapters. He'll be covering 14 of those in class. Out of the 5 he left out, guess what 2 of them are? Sexual Orientation and Disabilities. Guess what subject he's spending TWO WEEKS covering? Drugs and Alcohol. I do not need two weeks of drugs and alcohol studies, dude. I know that's an important issue, but there are other important issues worth covering, too, many of which you didn't even assign for out of class reading!
Oh, and did I mention he is thus far the only professor who has shown any skepticism towards my request to be called Diane? he laughed at me and told me "the school knows you as kelley, you know." Yeah, I KNOW the school knows me as kelley. That's my legal name. I'm required to write it on paperwork and such? Yeah. I go by Diane. I find it rather disrespectful for someone I just met to call me by my legal name when I clearly state upon meeting them that I go by something else. I have nothing against being asked why I go by Diane, but I do mind people questioning the validity of my request, regardless of how bizzare it might be. (I might also note that most of my professors readily accept that the name on the roster is not my preferred name. My psych professor, my wonderful, brilliant psych professor, even informed me that I could cross off Kelley on the attendance sheet and write Diane instead.)
But enough of that, onto my other classes.
English and math have thus far been, well... classes. The teachers are very nice but overall unremarkable.
My English professor is the sweetest lady, though she doesn't seem to be the most organized teacher ever. It's going to be a braindead easy class, though, so that shouldn't be an issue. The whole class? Is basically a runthrough of the evolution of Epic poetry. Uhm. EPIC fail? XD Epic poetry is not my favorite thing in the world. It's got to be some of the most boring literature in the universe-- it's a bunch of "My civilization is the greatest ever!" nonsense with no character development whatsoever. BUT it's not the end of the world. The reading assignments are laughably short, and we have a very thorough set of study questions to guide us. This class is going to be a no-brainer, despite my lack of enthusiasm regarding epics.
My math class... is all real-world application stuff! Which includes basic statistics and personal finances (ie. the only math I will ever need as an English teacher). Pretty cool, right? It's a math class, still, which means it's not likely to be terribly exciting, buuuut the professor is a super-enthusiastic semi-retired guy who used to teach high school math. It'll probably be the only math class I'll ever take that teaches me something I'll use outside of math class, which is pretty cool. |D
Friday evening I'll have Art Appreciation, and Saturday morning I'll have Biology. I'll uh... probably comment on those once I've experienced them?
So far, though, Psych is going to be the best thing ever, Soc is a massive dissappointment, and English and Math are, well, English and Math.
- Current Location:My Room
- Current Mood: optimistic
- Current Music:Oh sweet silence
I haven't been in a very fantastic mindspace, lately, so I haven't been posting much of anything... anywhere.
But yesterday we went grocery shopping. I got some stuff for cooking! Not fancy cooking or anything; I'm not sophisticated enough for that, yet-- just some pacages of stuff with instuctions on how to bake or fry it. 83 I got au gratin potatoes (which I made last night), cornbread (which I made this morning), fajitas, skillet breakfast stuff, and oatmeal cookies. I also got some more cole slaw stuff, because I luffs me some cole slaw.
I am the FIRST person in my family to use the oven at this house! |D (Why yes, we have lived here for almost two months, and I just used it for the first time last night. That's how often anyone cooks inmy family.)
Mom says sometime soon she'll take me to a farmer's market so I can get more planty-foods~ |D
Hopefully this shall help do something about my boredom?
- Current Location:My Room/The Kitchen
- Current Mood: giddy
- Current Music:Michael W. Smith
School needs to start, because I'm losing my mind. Or I need to get a job. I can't function without a schedule. I'm going insane.
I've chewed up two writing utensils, already, and it's taking every ounce of resistance I've got and then some to keep from chewing up my hand, too.
My brother offered to take me to a pet store to get a chew toy. I almost want to take him up on that offer-- if that bad?
Bored bored bored going insane losing my mind chew chew chew bored bored need school need schedule summer summer summe stupid bored chew chew.
That is all.
- Current Location:Not in my mind
- Current Mood: bored
- Current Music:Too bored, can't decide
A-camping I shall go! I'll return... sometime on saturday, though my dad didn't tell me the exact time on that, either.
I'm bringing The Sight and Firebringer, along with a large stack of Warriors books. That should last me, I think. if not, I'll have to wonder how in the world I became such a fast reader over the last year. 7 books (2 of which are very long) ought to last me 5 days. Uhm... hopefully. Except now that I have a grasp on the Warriors' plot, I may start munching through those as fast as i munched through ga'Hoole books. Hmm. Maybe I should bring a few extra books for backup.
I'm going to enjoy my break from the interwebs and life in general. |D Aside from books, the only entertainment I'm bringing is my mp3 player and Gameboy, along with some paper and pens (for writing and sketching-- no coloring supplies, because I don't draw much while camping). Oh, and my camera, of course. Bugs. I should get pictures of mosquitoes. Ahuuur.
I'm determined to have a good time, whether my dad and drunk-uncle cooperate or not. |D
- Current Location:My room, but not for long!
- Current Mood: grateful
- Current Music:Mogwai
There's a disease going around on Neopound. It's called Ebolah. Yes, with an h.
And I appear to have caught it, because I'm now applying for a krawk.
So hey everybody, say hi to Ebolah!
She's a grumpy old pygmy who lives in a swamp and keeps pet mosquitoes.
I need to draw her when she was younger. And write the rest of her story. And make her page. Without a web design program.
La de da~ Yes, I am completely insane.*prances off, rattling off more bug and disease puns*
- Current Location:My Cavern of Ideas (ie. my room)
- Current Mood: creative
- Current Music:Clint Mansell
I feel very accomplished.
For nearly two years, now, I have been meaning to design my porcupine inventor character, Miguel, and guess what I did last night?
And THEN, after being asked by countless people for... the last two years or more, this morning I finally got myself tpogether and maaaade...
A MARKER TUTORIAL! 8D
That pretty much sums up my life right now. |3
(Everything else is pretty much just... a whole lot of nothing. But at least I'm being artistically productive!)
- Current Location:My Room
- Current Mood: accomplished
- Current Music:Owl City
Lack of updates can be attributed to the fact that I've been crazy busy doing absolutely nothing of interest. I'm getting caught up on art I owe, though. Which is something, at least. I need to stop overbooking myself.
I also decided to write Rivie and Torren's story on a whim for the Neopound writing contest. I'm completely STUCK on the last chapter (mini-chapter, really-- it's a short story), though, and the deadline is in two days. Eeek.
Froggy has decided to enter a billion art contests on DA, each on the day before the deadline. So the last half a week has consisted of him staying up all hours of the night asking me questions and complaining about how his contest entries are coming. I'm reaching the end of my patience-- why doesn't he draw in the morning instead of the middle of the night when he's grumpy and tired and I'm grumpy and tired and everyone's grumpy and tired? Better yet-- why can't he draw without asking for my help every three seconds? Just because his art doesn't look identical to mine doesn't mean it's awful. ;o;
I haven't been sleeping right, lately. That pretty much sums up my life, at the moment.
- Current Location:My Room
- Current Mood: apathetic
- Current Music:Owl City